king:

arsonistmoonbeam:

isohiko:

king:

god the first time i ever went to my current bfs house he had a kids painting of a black panther resting near a pond in the forest i assumed at the time, it was a skinny black bear, anyway, i asked him like, oh wow, is that yours?? and hes like, yeah babe :), and im like, fuck thats nice, how old were you when u drew that?? :) and he looked at me like, uhhh…. 28?, and i fucking wanted to rip my lungs out right then and there to keep myself from screaming at my stupid ass self

if we’re exchanging stupid bitch stories this one time I was talking to this really tall dude and i asked him for some god forsaken reason “oh do you get your height from your parents? :)” and he goes “……im adopted” . i wanted to eject my body into space and die

i exist

what does this mean 

sarah was this the guy

barbieprivilege:

dr. phil is such a stunt queen OMG i’m watching this episode from like 2003 and before the commercial break without prompt he was like : Do you have an email called anal*long beep*@*beep*.com ? and it jst showed the audience’s Like repulsed faces then he was like We’ll be right back.

trainthief:

my coworker today was like “i bet you dont know this song” and put on Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. And I was like “yeah, of course I do, it’s Elton John” and he was like “who?” and I said “Elton John. He wrote this” and he was like “oh I don’t know about that, it’s just in the Chicken Little movie”